Birthday

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This weekend I celebrated my fortyfifth birthday with a seasonal blend of light and dark moments… and by finally cutting the Christmas cake, which was hastily converted to a birthday cake by virtue of swapping the tasteless silver plastic ‘Happy Christmas’ sign for a ‘Happy Birthday’ one. Let no one say that I am anything but dedicated to the principle of recycling (cake).

The dark side was well represented by spending the morning rehearsing a favourite argument with Ian, while the afternoon was lightened by tea, cake and good friends (followed by more tea, cake, champagne and good friends) Early spring seems rather like this… a delicate blend of tender hopes and new beginnings, which nevertheless have to remain rooted in all the dark, deep winter moments that have come before…and at any time can reoccur, like an old argument or a sudden, sharp frost or a dark, wet day.

I continue to work with this in meditation as well as in daily life. I had something of a small revelation as I reflected on the stories of Inanna/Erishkigal and Cailleach/Brigid. These are not masculine, hero tales where difficulty is braved, overcome and left behind…. these are cyclical, women’s mysteries where the dark side is discovered to be your sister and the underworld, once truly entered, is never fully left behind but regularly revisited. This may seem depressing but actually it’s liberating. There need be no more pressure to be ‘normal’, to have to maintain some ever bright, electric lit way of life where everything should be fine…

Rather we get to wax and wane like the moon. Sometimes full of creativity and energy, sometimes empty, hidden and dark…and everything in between. What a relief…I don’t have to wait for my life to get less difficult in order to feel ok about myself! In the last Circle meeting meditation I was walking away from the Cailleach’s cave again. This time I saw a tiny pile of twigs and realised it was another perspective on the deadwood blocking my way forward. This time I strode over it like a giantess! But whether by this way or by the slipping through as a small snail…still the Way goes on…